When Things Don’t Make Sense {He Will Quiet You With His Love}

The Lord your God is with you,
He is mighty to save
He will take great delight in you,’
He will quiet you with his love,
He will rejoice over you with singing.
Zephaniah 3:17

This momma hasn’t been posting as much the last few weeks as I’m as transparent as they come–some times to a fault…and if I have a really sweet secret–I just can’t bare to post (although I’ll confess I did pretty good with T’s sweet secret earlier this month)…and if we’re in the valley of hard or sad–it can be hard for me to post too not knowing when, how or if to share at all. But I also recognize that when we share the hard–some may also be comforted when they go through something similar: 2 Corinthians 1:3 “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, 4who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.”

Richard and I have always wanted a BIG family. (Yes–4 kids is BIG to many…but we were thinking more along the lines of Braddy Bunch…not so much Duggar’s 18 and Counting;). If we could plan it in our own “perfect with a bow” kinda way–we’d have another little biologically and adopt a precious little special needs child as we had started out toward before that tick got me and shared Lyme’s with me last year. During that year, we wondered if momma would EVER be well enough to really carry another…and some times we wondered if I’d be able to physically carry littles at all–and maybe even adopting again would be out of the question. But God was good–and His mercies rained down–and I was completely healed! By the beginning of the summer, I was feeling like I could run a marathon (NOT that I’d ever really do that;). Thank goodness too–because momma needed her extra energy to show a Ukrainian teenage princess we were hosting for the summer a fun time.

We added a whole extra layer to our crazy to our summer–and momma kept a good secret all summer–only sharing the news with close friends and family that our year of praying for momma’s complete healing had been answered abundantly so with the news of a little one soon-to-be…#5 was on the way! The summer trips to the museums and aquariums and parks were really only possible with Sprite and saltine crackers–and the extra hormones on top of the emotional roller coaster we were on made for QUITE the ride for this mom especially (my husband completely rocks too to put up with a hormonal wife of 5 I tell ya!). We shared the news with our closest friends and family–and we began dreaming. Princess T and I went shopping one day and picked out the sweetest frame for the baby’s room that said “Love at First Sight”. Days later, I scooted out for my first doctor’s visit–and I itched to share our news, but in no way wanted the delight of this news to overshadow the miracles that were unfolding as the end of the summer approached–we decided to wait until I was a bit further along. When we found out our 10 week appointment was the same day as T’s court date for her new family–we marveled at the timing of it all and decided we’d make that a day of fun news. And truly–last Thursday was a true reason to celebrate as there was an orphan no more in the world…one that we loved with so much! This was the highlight of our day…because earlier that day–at our 10 week ultrasound our hearts had been broken.

I had gone into the doctor just days earlier before due to some problems, but to our delight we saw our almost 10 week love’s heartbeat beating strong at 164 bmp. But on Thursday morning when we went in, there was no heartbeat. And although I had prepared myself for this–I wasn’t at all prepared for this.

For weeks I had wondered what people might say when they heard we were growing again (why I care what others say I do not know–but I confess that I struggle with this…so if you have an opinion please don’t let me know;). Would they think we are crazy to have so many children…crazy to even try to have another…crazy to even try when we also know we want to adopt? But this was the desire of our hearts–and knowing I’m not getting any younger–so we decided to try…and we were blessed. In these last 10 weeks, the Lord has taught my heart much about FAMILY–about HIS PURPOSE for family–about how HE desires each of us to grow differently at different times. Some will stay small so He can do much through these smaller families in different ways–and others He will want to grow big for different purposes–but all with the same purpose to bring Him much glory. One thing we can never do is compare–but instead keep our eyes on Christ and obediently say “yes” when we hear Him call. After our loss, I also realize that I don’t really care what others might say or what they might have said about us growing this way or that. We are called to love and support one another–and to “rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep” (Romans 12:15)

I had surgery on Friday–and my sweet parents and sister were all so precious to take our littles so we could recover and rest. I wasn’t sure if I would have to have surgery after a long night on Thursday night, but on Friday the ultrasound showed it was still necessary. It was one of the longer days of life, and I know the weeks and months ahead will be that of processing and healing. I feel like in just the last 4 days I have already learned so much…and this is the part that I really want to share…

…Loss is loss. You can’t compare your loss to someone else’s or someone else’s loss to yours. Whether or not we had 4 littles or none–this loss is loss. And it hurts. There is nothing anyone can do to take it away. We have to walk through it. Each day will get easier. Although it seemed perfect, and it doesn’t make sense–His ways are higher than my ways. And we have an angel with our Father in heaven. It may make more sense in a year or it may not ever make sense at all to our hearts–but He can be trusted and He is good. He can heal from loss–and He knows loss more than any other on this earth.

…Time and space help heal. We have a lot of noise at our house–and it was so important for us to have a few days of quiet in order to rest, reflect and recover. When you go through something difficult, I encourage you to reach out to family (and friends if family is not able) and to ask for help. (My sweet family didn’t give me a choice–thank you!). How I needed this time to rest, read and just process. And snuggling up on the couch to watch movies back to back actually was pretty amazing too. While you might think you NEED to be around noise to help you through–take advantage of quiet for rest, reflection and recovery.

…Don’t expect everyone to understand (so don’t get your feelings hurt easily–hard to do with hormones changing so quickly right?)–but also don’t be surprised when some supernaturally do understand–either because their hearts understand loss to some degree or they have been there before too. Don’t expect anyone to do anything or say anything that will make you feel better (even your spouse)–but instead expect the Lord to be the one to comfort you. He is enough and He is able. In the quite, listen to your favorite worship music. Spend time in the Psalms. And if you are on the other end–know you do not have to say anything other than “I’m so sorry“. That’s it. There is SO MUCH POWER, LOVE and FEELING in those words. (I hope I remember this for the future!) You don’t have to tell them God has a plan (they totally know this–but they happen to be at a point in the plan that kinda stinks). “I’m so sorry” says so much–and you can’t say it enough…so if you run out of things to say–say that again. I will also admit that hearing a dear friend who has been there tell you that they bet their angel is playing with your angel is pretty sweet and comforting–to think one day you will get to meet this little one and celebrate with him/her. I in no way confess to knowing what heaven is like–but it’s pretty sweet to imagine even little ones who aren’t born yet being there. (If you have a different opinion on this–please don’t tell me–I’d rather keep dreaming for the rest of my days until I get there on this one. Thank you:).

…You are in this together. It can be easy for moms who are the ones experiencing the body changes, hormone roller coaster, surgery and recovery to feel lonely or as if they are the only one hurting. Remember that your sweet spouse would have also died for this little one–so if you are able to allow OTHERS to help you with children in your home if you already have them–LET THEM so you can reconnect, recover and grieve with your spouse TOGETHER. Those who had been celebrating and dreaming with you–sisters, brothers, grandparents, friends and family who were already loving this little one big in their hearts will also be grieving quietly beside you. Know that you are NOT alone. You are in this with not only your immediate family–but also many who love you and whose mind you, your family and your little one have not left.

Last but not least–the morning of the surgery as I was getting ready to leave I checked my email and one of my dearest friends who has also experienced this loss sent me these most precious verses. A devotional had taken each apart that were so fitting–but I don’t want to plagiarize;)…so I’m expanding on each of them on my own instead…

The Lord your God is with you,
He is mighty to save
He will take great delight in you,’
He will quiet you with his love,
He will rejoice over you with singing.
Zephaniah 3:17

When “hard” comes–carry these verses close with you. Remember that the Lord your God is with you. When you are feeling sad, lonely, confused, upset…the Lord your God is with you.

He is mighty to save. I truly believe He saves little ones like these from death–and He truly is good. The best plan for the sake of these who have a heartbeat but little chance for survival–is to head on up to heaven and be with Him. Our dreams change–but we must know and believe that His dreams for each of our children…even those we will not meet on this Earth…are so much greater than we could ever imagine.

He will take great delight in you. So rest. Rest in Him. You have done nothing wrong. Just rest in His presence and allow Him to restore your soul. You might not can see it yet–but He truly is taking delight in you as you rest in Him.

He will quiet you with His love. Although your nerves may be tense, pain may be near, cramps may tug and pull for awhile, sadness comes when you see someone passing on the street where you dreamed you might be…as those emotions come–give those daily to Him. He will quiet all of these feelings and emotions…and even your fears…with His great big love.

He will rejoice over you with singing. Each day is new…each day will bring more peace–and as you walk toward Him resting and waiting on Him–He will rejoice over you with singing. Truthfully–He will rejoice over you with singing LONG before that even. He will sing joy into your heart as you come to Him…and I truly believe He will also teach your little one singing in heaven.

For me–I stepped back and saw this new life and all that had happened in our summer as truly a beautiful thing. When something changed, it really didn’t make sense–and honestly, it still doesn’t quite yet for this momma’s heart. But if I skip over the hard parts and only share the pieces that seem to perfectly fit–the tapestry He is weaving is not as nearly as beautiful. Right now, it feels as if a piece of our quilt has been unstitched a bit–but day by day I know He will carefully seem the pieces together with the threads of faith, hope and love–the greatest of these being love. This is forever part of our story–part of our lives–and part of our hearts. He is using this to shape us even now–and I’m quite sure this loss will continue to shape us in the years ahead. This is part of who we become–and I would have liked it to have a different ending–but I also know that His ways are higher than ours–and I have to believe that it’s part of His plan…and one day I will step back and see the many pieces all together…and I know in my heart–that it will be beautiful.

Blessings from this momma’s heart…

Andrea